I never thought I’d be doing something like this. In all honesty I feel weird writing this, I never saw the interest in blogs, that is.. not until I read my best mate’s one. And here I am, baring my soul and what not. Thinking about everything it’s actually difficult to get everything down because it’s so jumbled, at which point I recommend to anyone trying to keep a strong hold on your emotions and feelings to not do it. At some point you may lose what it feels like to be yourself.
I guess when they said that the Leaving Cert year is the make or break year they weren’t kidding lol. Between classes, homework, study, grinds lessons, mock exams and exams it’s enough to send any sane person running the opposite way screaming. I like to tell myself that I’m doing fine, the exams will be grand, i’ve done my work but this is coming from someone that even now has not studied and is most likely wasting her time writing up a blog I doubt anyone will probably see. The whole idea is enough to make someone sweat.
It’s hard to concentrate on a schoolbook when you feel like your whole life is slowly falling to pieces. Sure my life to others may look happy, two parents still together, one loving boyfriend and three bestfriends including the forementioned boyfriend. But it’s hard to constantly try to keep smiling. My mother was recently diagnosed again with cancer, which she had beaten only 5 years ago. It actually wasn’t recently she was diagnosed but believe me it certainly feels like it for me and my family, who have to live with it every day and for the sake of my little sister act as if nothing is wrong. Due to the cancer, my mam is on a drug which stops the production of oestrogen. Now, because of this my mother has oestioperosus, making even waking up and down the stairs difficult for her. It’s probably the most difficult thing for a child to watch as the person who is her heroine and seemed so invincible diminish to that level. We may have our differences in our family, and I may feel like I hate them sometimes but in truth I don’t, I love them but I’m just a passionate person by nature.
Looking at the date on the calender though, makes me remember that not all people are trustworthy and loyal. Today is the birthday of a person I believed to be a best friend of mine. Knowing I should probably build a bridge and get over it and I will, make no mistake about that, but current events are so called ”pouring salt onto the wound.” Thinking about it now I obviously didn’t really care about him as much as I thought if I so easily let him leave without telling him what a right prick he was which I would usually do. But aw well, fuck him, I’m more interested in not letting this happen to one of the best friends I have now. So now for the stiff upper lip and keep soldiering on lol.
On to the subject on my already mentioned boyfriend. I’ll start with the blunt basics, we are soon to be celebrating our 2 year anniversary and yes, we are still very much in love. At least, most of the time I feel that way but at times like these of desperate soul searching and waiting for epiphany moments I do wonder, especially after silly arguments over him at least trying for some work experience. Thinking deeply to myself, I know that I do love him, for all his goofyness and geekyness, that is what makes him himself is it not? But seriously, there’s only so much bitching and moaning I can take about a guy when he complains that he doesn’t have a job and needs work experience. For me, who is the straightforward and honest working person, the answer is simple. Get up off your ass and do something about it. So I, seemingly the caring girlfriend offered to get a number to a nearby garage for him to ring and ask for some work experience as he likes cars. No. The reply I had received from him was a flat out no. If it was possible I would have found a way to strangle him with some spaghetti (not such a bad thing for him as he does like pasta.)Such a typical couple no? One wants to strangle the other with anything useful while the other is making cow’s eyes at the other. C’est l’amour. Or it’s just the idiocy of the Y chromosome? Either way I always seem to be torn between wanting to hit him or smother him in kisses and launch myself at him. And the only thing I will blame for these insensible thoughts are hormones.
But until then, I feel until the end of time, I shall forever be in this love (and sometimes hate)relationship. Which I wouldn’t change for the world itself <3